Half Sweet n' Half Nuts

On Wednesday night I had a dinner date.

No biggie.

On Wednesday night I had a dinner date with a guy whom I was introduced to through ... shaadi.com!!!

My reaction .... Wow!! Wow! Just Wow!

I actually went and met someone that I got to know through a matrimonial website! I'm still in shock I think.

In all fairness, I did have a surprisingly good time. He is a really nice, normal, well mannered, interesting, funny guy. It was easy talking to him. It was comfortable. I had been "talking" to him online for a little over a week before we met and we had done the usual ritualistic exchange of photographs so it wasn't a complete blind date. It also wasn't anywhere near as bad as I had thought such situations would be.

Ok! Ok! So I was wrong. When I'm wrong I admit it!

So not everyone who goes through these sites is a socially inept loser who couldn't get a person to marry them. And the "beta chai pilao" scene does not have to be a part of your life if you don't want it to. It can be, quite simply, just another medium to meet other singles out there; maybe even make some friends in the process. Ok! Fine, on second thoughts, maybe the making friends part is overly optimistic.

Coming back to me and my life drama... I met yet another guy... (Is this blog turning into an online chronicle of all the "guys" I seem to meet through random circumstances? I think so..) but moving on.

No I don't know if or when I'll see him again. Yes, I think we seemed to hit it off. No, I don't know what happens next. Yes, he called a day later and we're still talking/SMS'ing/emailing. Yes, I'm doing ok... thanks for asking!

I'm still adjusting to the whole idea but it doesn't seem quite as bad as I had thought it might be. I'm only afraid of being a softy as usual and getting too attached too soon and then being disappointed. So I'm trying to keep my distance this time. It's tough 'coz he's really easy to talk to and very similar to me in his interests/likes/dislikes. But I think the fact that all of this is a calculated procedure to hitch people up kind of helps keeps things in perspective.

What happens to my stubborn faith that I will get my chance at finding love by just bumping into Mr. Right, looking into his eyes and just knowing this is it? Do I still believe that such love stories exist outside the realm of the movies? I'm not so sure any more. Maybe this is my story. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe there are no stories and we only wish there were. Or maybe it's just not meant to be for me. Who knows?

If I'm going to do this I have to do this with an open mind and I need to give this guy an honest chance. That's all I'm doing. If this is to be my story... so be it :)

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I wrote the part above a day or so ago... I just got back from a high school classmate's engagement party.. it was a fun evening. The bride to be was drunk and quite simply overjoyed (touch wood!). She was truly the life of the party. I only hope I can be just as happy when I'm getting married.

Makes me wonder if I have really given up on my dreams for my love story just yet... maybe not I guess... but are the God's listening?!

Lots of love to her! I hope she stays this happy forever! Muuaaah!

For the past few days I’ve been reacquainting myself with an old addiction of mine. Like an old friend come to visit, it feels familiar yet not quite the same. Well to be honest I’ve allowed it to seep back into my life after a very long time, mostly to see if I have finally built up a resistance to it. Have I? I'm not so sure.

Even now I can feel myself craving my fix, just like I used to. I think I'm a sucker for punishment; that I willingly let myself get swept away with the agony of craving what I know to be worst for me. But, like any addict, I deny the hold this addiction has over me and hope this time is different.

Then again, maybe this time it is different. For one, now I can identify what triggers my cravings. I'm aware of how exactly a scenario is going to play out. I know how bad it will turn out and I can use humor to stay away from falling into the same trap all over again. I can laugh off my cravings and no matter how tempting it is right now to give in to them, I know it's not worth the struggle and pain that will follow. I can see that now. And I can hold on to that knowledge to play with my addiction and test my resistance.

It's like a cruel game that I like playing with myself. How much is too much?

I think when past addictions take the shape of present nightmares it's time to call it quits. I could be living my biggest fear every moment of every day and that, trust me, is not a nice way to live. All because this game that I am playing could takeover every conscious thought I have and it scares the hell out of me.

Don't worry I'm not an AA member or a coke head! I'm not even manic depressive or any sort of maniac. I'm just a girl trying to figure out my path through life.

I'm watching life pass me by; friends and loved ones moving on to bigger things in life, leaving me behind. I don't for a moment grudge them their happiness, far from it. I only crave my piece of this pie called Happiness and it tempts me endlessly to give up my cynicism and believe that maybe someday it will be mine to savor.

But the fear of facing another disappointment holds something inside me tightly locked away. And yet the temptations continue. The thrill of possibilities and anticipation overpowers the voice of caution and I teeter on the edge of reason.

I wonder if I can stay strong and keep my head on my shoulders or if I’ll give in to the temptation to risk everything and go crazy again… I do not know. Only time will tell.

Right now I'm very irritated with all the men of the world. All of them. If you're one of them don't even bothering defending yourself 'coz right now there is absolutely no point.

Why can't you brainless idiots just keeps things straight in your head? You're supposed to be in love with your girl friend and very fond of you other female friends. And yes you can have female friends who you don't have to be attracted to. You can be just friends. More so if you have an amazing girl friend.

"Just friends" means you don't want to think about them in any way that isn't for the most part gender neutral. Look up the word platonic and stop thinking through your @#$*#@!! "Really good friends" means the girl probably trusts you enough to go out drinking with you and get totally hammered and she does not expect to hear how marvelous you think she is and get hit on. She tells you all her stories and she does not expect you to use them to try and play mind games with her in an effort to show her just how well you know her! If you knew her at all you would realize that the instant you even considered straying from amazing girl friends side and crossed that fine line into "cheating"... you just lost your friend.

And what the hell does "I really love my girl friend but I can't help think about you" mean??!!
Gaaah!! Grrr!!!

And most of all I hate playing the moral police to a friend just because I don't want to see him regret anything the next morning and I really care for him and his girl friend a lot.

Men!! You're all dumb asses! Affection for you will always only take a single form and you're never going to be as emotionally evolved as us women. Can't you see how great it is to be just friends with someone and not think of them like that?!

I'm exasperated!

PS - This isn't about me or any of my guy friends... just something I heard from a really close friend of mine. My friends are just darlings and I really do love them all a lot... on most days. Just not right now though...

It's been a while since I wrote anything at all. It isn't all about the lack of time or the energy to write. It's more a case of not having a single original thought in a while. Nothing worth writing about that is.

In all honesty I haven't read any of the other blogs in a while either, but that is only because of lack of time.

I flew out to see a friend this morning, quite literally at a moments notice. I have huge plans to spend huge amounts of money over the next few months. Money I'm not sure I have actually. Yet spend it I will and in spite of this predicament I'm still being whimsical and flighty, taking last minute trips to see friends that too quite unnecessarily. How will I manage the next few months? I have no idea.

I'm being sucked into a black hole of workaholism. Nothing seems to matter as much anymore. It's given me a purpose to live through each day, even though I do nothing really critical or life changing. I am getting paid good money which I have no time to spend. Yet not enough for all the plans that are in my head. Plans that I don't have enough money or time for.

Time. It feels like I'm running out of time. It feels as if the end of this year will bring with it the end of a lifetime. I don't know what I'm babbling about at the moment but there is just so much to do before this year ends and I feel like I need to be in too many places at once and there just isn't enough of me to go around.

This isn't the life I had worked or planned for. It's not like I had wanted too much more out of life. But maybe I wanted something different. Am I unhappy? Not really. So does it matter that what I had wanted isn't what I got? May be it does. May be it doesn't.

Maybe its time for me to put away the wine and go to sleep :)

Oh! And before I forget -- the thought that inspired me to write today - I realized something last night. I can be a write at any stage of my life. It is the one plan that I don't need to put a time limit or constraint on. I can be married or single, busy as a bee or jobless, I can be young or old, I can be anything and I can still be a writer. How awesome is that?