Half Sweet n' Half Nuts

For the past few days I’ve been reacquainting myself with an old addiction of mine. Like an old friend come to visit, it feels familiar yet not quite the same. Well to be honest I’ve allowed it to seep back into my life after a very long time, mostly to see if I have finally built up a resistance to it. Have I? I'm not so sure.

Even now I can feel myself craving my fix, just like I used to. I think I'm a sucker for punishment; that I willingly let myself get swept away with the agony of craving what I know to be worst for me. But, like any addict, I deny the hold this addiction has over me and hope this time is different.

Then again, maybe this time it is different. For one, now I can identify what triggers my cravings. I'm aware of how exactly a scenario is going to play out. I know how bad it will turn out and I can use humor to stay away from falling into the same trap all over again. I can laugh off my cravings and no matter how tempting it is right now to give in to them, I know it's not worth the struggle and pain that will follow. I can see that now. And I can hold on to that knowledge to play with my addiction and test my resistance.

It's like a cruel game that I like playing with myself. How much is too much?

I think when past addictions take the shape of present nightmares it's time to call it quits. I could be living my biggest fear every moment of every day and that, trust me, is not a nice way to live. All because this game that I am playing could takeover every conscious thought I have and it scares the hell out of me.

Don't worry I'm not an AA member or a coke head! I'm not even manic depressive or any sort of maniac. I'm just a girl trying to figure out my path through life.

I'm watching life pass me by; friends and loved ones moving on to bigger things in life, leaving me behind. I don't for a moment grudge them their happiness, far from it. I only crave my piece of this pie called Happiness and it tempts me endlessly to give up my cynicism and believe that maybe someday it will be mine to savor.

But the fear of facing another disappointment holds something inside me tightly locked away. And yet the temptations continue. The thrill of possibilities and anticipation overpowers the voice of caution and I teeter on the edge of reason.

I wonder if I can stay strong and keep my head on my shoulders or if I’ll give in to the temptation to risk everything and go crazy again… I do not know. Only time will tell.