Complications, Heartbreak, Lashing Out Yet Finding Something to Smile About
Over the last few weeks I have desperately wanted to write but haven’t been able to do so. It was not the lack of material, time or motivation but rather because I have been in a state of quandary. What made me doubt my writing, you wonder? Well, brace your self for this. Someone told me he thought blogging was basically for “losers” who made up for their lack of a social life and physical interaction with other human beings, by reaching out to similarly pathetic bloggers, who then wallow in each others pointless, imaginary miseries, when all that they should really do is get off their butts, away from their computer screens and “get a life”. I was enraged. I fumed and argued but there was no point really. People are entitled to their opinions. So, I regained my composure and (giving in to my tendency to brood) re-considered my life, wondering if he had a point. And this, my fellow bloggers, is when I go publicly on record and lash back. Anyone not in the mood for a long rant had better quit now because this post has two weeks worth of ranting.
I am not a loser, nor do I blog to make up for lack of a social circle. I have friends, really good friends. I love my life and I refuse to get on the defensive about how I live it. Some people vent by crying, or drinking. There are others who get their high by driving at insane speeds or jumping off buildings. People sing in the bathroom, dance to a tune in their heads or do other random things. I write. When I feel, I write. It’s the way I emote, the way I reach out to friends and strangers. I write because I love to write and because no matter what I go through, or who I am with or without, I can always write. I do not write for the comments (although they are certainly appreciated) or the readership (that’s definitely a good thing too). I write because it’s the one thing I know will get me through anything. And I refuse to let someone insult me for it.
There! I feel so much better.
I had considered de-personalizing this blog so that personal details are not out there for anyone to read with their morning coffee. There maybe some merit in a little anonymity. But then, this last week, someone I thought I knew really well hurt me so deeply I realized an anonymous readership could hardly cause me more harm than that. Recently my relationship status changed from “Single” to “It’s complicated” and I allowed myself the luxury of a vulnerability. Here’s what I learned:
· Any girl who commits a 100% to a relationship within the first month and expects to not get hurt will either prove to be extremely lucky (and would be a perfect Las Vegas traveling companion), or extremely foolish.
· Any guy who convinces a girl to commit a 100% of her self to their new found relationship and then balks at the first show of commitment on his part had better prove to be worth his weight in gold if he expects his girl to ever let him into her life again.
· Time is the only cure for heartbreak. I suppose tears would help too but a lot of times the hurt goes so deep that you want to go into denial and your eyes stay dry. It’s ok to not cry over a guy. If he was worth crying over he wouldn’t make you cry in the first place.
· Sometimes it’s a good thing you didn’t tell your friends everything.
So after the fury and the relationship issues and the heart break were drowned in hours of mindless television I finally calmed down and focused on the one good thing that I am really looking forward to.
A friend of a friend told me about the National Novel Writing Month, organized by The Office of Letters and Light (seriously!). It's an awesome idea that twenty-one lazy wannabe novelists (like me) thought up, to get enthused and just start writing. Over the last six years, people from all over the world (last year saw 79,000 participants) have signed up for this and pledged to write a novel of at least 50,000 words in exactly one month. As per the rules of the event, the novel must be started on November 1st, from scratch, though you can prepare notes and an outline as early as you like, and must end by 11:59:59 pm GMT, November 30. Anyone who can do 50,000 words within that month is a winner. There are no awards given out by officious panels or juries. The achievement is in putting in a dedicated effort and just writing. The aim is to let those creative juices flow, let them go ahead and explode. The focus, for the moment, is on output and not on quality. If you do finish, you can, of course, refine your efforts all of the following year as you prepare for the next NaNoWriMo. The idea is to experience the joy and exhaustion of writing, while working towards a goal and deadline, with the help and support of fellow writers who are simultaneously going through the same pain. There are regional write-in sessions organized, online forums and chat rooms and the works! Interesting, isn't it? You can read the details at their website if you like.
When I found out about this, I hemmed and hawed over the temptation of signing up since November this year is going to be extremely busy with a lot of traveling. Eventually it got the better of me and –
I signed up! I'm going to write a 50,000 word novel in one month! Or at least try, at any rate. I am officially a NaNoWriMo 2007 participant.
Phew! Of course, now all I have to do is come up with a plot. And find the time to write. Simple, really!
And so, in spite of all the heartbreak and complications in the world, I smile because I‘m going to write.
Runaway Brides and Chasing Cars...The thoughts behind this post were triggered, in part, by conversations I have had with different friends over this last week and, in part, by Still Searching (in her post here) when she wondered – “…do you think you can have a crush on someone whose blog you like? Or whose comments you like? Does that sound plausible or preposterous?!”
There are crushes, there is attraction, there are degrees of getting along, and finally there is true love. All this and more has been on my mind for the last few days. I had mentioned in one of my earlier posts about the marriage brigade getting serious. I thought I’d follow the path of least resistance and let them do their scouting around. It really doesn’t harm me sitting so far away and they’re busy, believing they’re really working at something fruitful. It is a little mean, I agree, but a guilty conscience is a small price to pay for peaceful conversations every time I talk to them on the phone.
At the same time I realize that I may be ready to take the plunge too, if the opportunity for true love were to miraculously present itself. It isn’t unreasonable to start thinking about preparing oneself for this eventuality. So I took to thinking about what I would want from a lifelong relationship with someone. A lot of realistic, serious introspection followed and, as expected, it threw up a lot of questions on Love, Life, the Universe, and Everything. (No, the “Love” part doesn’t change anything. The answer is still 42. The “Everything” takes care of it, remember?)
Coming back to the questions, what is it that attracts one person to another? And where do you define the distinction between infatuation, or a crush, and, the heavier, love? Is it really as simple as one is purely physical and the other a meeting of minds? But then, as proved by the comments on Still Searching’s post, a lot of people believe you can have a crush by just reading what someone thinks, over the Internet. I mean, I thought the whole point of anonymity, or alias identities in blog-world, was the freedom to be a different person, write about and say things you normally wouldn’t want people who know you to read about. Why else does each one of us have a nickname and even if we know someone’s real name we know it shouldn’t be revealed. But then, we also add fellow bloggers as friends on Facebook, or Orkut, or what have you, when we stumble onto them in that parallel social universe. My personal favorite is when Facebook gives you the confirmation “You and XYZ are now friends. 12:08 pm”. I feel like saying “Thank you. I would never have believed it if you didn’t make it official!”
But I digress.
When you meet that special someone, the dynamics are complex and multi-faceted. You connect at so many different levels. You have to get along, you have to have your basic fundamentals in sync, you need to be comfortable in each others’ presence, you need to feel a flutter, and yes, you need to have that physical pull. It’s a meeting of mind, body and soul, to put in extremely cheesy words. You can spend hours talking to someone, spend nights driving around the city being in complete sync, but it may never go beyond a really beautiful friendship you cherish all your life. What was missing, you wonder? I don’t know, really. I guess it was just not to be.
On the other hand, you could know someone all your adult life but a single conversation could change everything you think you knew about the person. And you could start thinking of the possibilities. You could start wanting to believe in happy endings again. But if everything seems too good to be true, what should you believe?
But then, you talk to a friend who has been with her special someone for a few years now, and now is freaking out a month before they’re due to get married, wondering if it is right thing to do. If they don’t know after years, how can you ever know? And then you hear of another friend, and a cousin, who decided by meeting their life partners just once that this was it. And they’re happy. My cousin isn’t even a newly wed any more. My boss has been married for five years now and in his words – “The only way you can get a marriage to work is by behaving as if you’re newly weds for the rest of your life”. Could it really be that simple?
How can we ever know for sure? Do we have a snow ball’s chance in hell to find that perfect relationship? What criteria do we establish to decide? I haven’t reached any conclusions yet, but I do know this – You can have a crush on anyone. On a photograph, on a fellow blogger, on someone you see across the room every day, on a friend. You can love more than one person at a time, but I don’t think you can be in love with two people at the same time. And you can never be sure of anything.
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
-- Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol
