Half Sweet n' Half Nuts: July 2008

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Druken Truths and Death of Innocence

Girne do
Girne do tum mujhe, mera saagar sambhal lo
Itna toh mere yaar karo...
Main nashe mein hu...
...
Phir bekhudi mein hadd se guzarne laga hu main
Phir bekhudi mein hadd se guzarne laga hu main
Itna na mujhse pyaar karo...
Main nashe mein hu...

- Jagjit Singh, Main nashe mein hu

To be free, free from the shackles of the mind and fears of the soul. To be free of a broken heart and a long lost innocence. To live like a newborn oblivious to sorrow, at peace with the belief that something magical can happen at any time.

Footloose and fancy free without a care in the world.

There is an innocence about one’s first love. A purity that gets lost somewhere along the way. There is hope and magic. Everything about it is mystical and fantastic.

A glance, his hand brushing against yours, a smile, an acknowledgment. Just a single moment of connection can make your day. Nothing in the world seems to matter as much. You walk with stars in your eyes and your head in the clouds. The world is truly a beautiful place.

The first heartbreak is the cruelest. Undeniably, every break up is hard but I believe the first heart break kills a part of your soul. It kills the mystique behind perfect love. It leaves you a different person, saddened, hardened and more than a little jaded.

Love will never be the same again.

Every person you meet henceforth will at some level be scrutinized, critically analyzed, and maybe even judged unfairly, in fear of another broken heart. Every future relationship will be embarked upon after just a wee bit of rationalization; such is the dread of another mishap of the heart.

Maybe it’s a season of young love, with movies like Jaane Tu... being plastered all over the place. Or, maybe I‘m just old and grouchy. Whatever the reason, I can’t seem to shake off a strange wistfulness and wish my first love had been forever. It’s not the person I desire, but the idea, rather the idealism behind such a concept as true love forever.

Or maybe I just regret the death of innocence.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

The mind wanders...

I like my name. I like the sound of it and the meaning, I like the fact that it's unusual yet not unheard of. I like that the Americans have a little trouble pronouncing it the first few times because the sound of it is alien to them, yet it's easy enough for them to get the hang of, if they try.

Being a workaholic may not be so bad after all. I like feeling like I'm the martyr. I like having to work inhuman hours so that I can feel sorry for myself and pamper myself later. Not to mention the sympathy vote I get from friends and family and the stamp of approval from the boss! But more that that I like having a job where I feel needed and useful. Am I weird?

Of course I'm weird. Everyone who is even a little normal likes to believe they're weird! How can I be any different? hee! hee!

Flirting is fun. Online, on the phone or in person, it's always fun. And, in my opinion, harmless fun. But it gets stale after a while if there is no real depth. Don't ask me to explain that. On second thoughts, I just may have ADD.

There is a pattern to my psychosis. Every time someone close to me hurts me I pull away just to see if that person will try to pull me back. Most of the time, they don't. But every now and then someone does... And leaves me surprised.

But then again, I believe some wounds never really heal completely. They leave behind scars that mar the beauty of the relationship for life. That's just how it is.

I'm in no mood to be ponderous or profound really but I can't seem to help myself. Why can't I be more humorous? Or witty? Or (while I'm at it) rich and gorgeous?!

I'm really jealous of people who can write beautiful poetry. In any language. I wish I could too. Something deep and meaningful and not trite and amateurish. Maybe someday...

Things might just be taking a turn for the better. I don't want to jinx it but everything seems to be on the upswing. Will this year be better than last year? I know it's the middle of 2008 but it's been a year since the present chapter of my life started (graduation, new car, new job, new life) and things right now are so much more stable and comfortable than they were last year. Touch wood!

I'm going to go now ...