Half Sweet n' Half Nuts

My to-do list at the moment is endless. My plans for today were complex and eventful. All of last week I was supposed to be working as a volunteer for the Indian Film Festival, Los Angeles (IFFLA) but my sore throat made that impossible. I did however manage to go and help out on Friday and Saturday till my head hurt and my feet just wanted to fall of. I was supposed to be there all day today as well, for the final days program and Closing Night Gala. Being ill also means my home hasn't been cleaned all week, I had dishes piled up in the sink, a mountain of laundry to be done and tons of mail to catch up with. Add to that since I'm going home in less than a week, I have gifts to buy and wrap, packing to be done, luggage zippers to fix and my dad's surprise birthday party to organize from 8,000 miles away.

It's not surprising that I was stressed out and exhausted.

I woke up and just didn't want to get out of bed, and you don't need a therapist to tell you that is not a good thing! So I called up the volunteer coordinator at IFFLA, this really fun girl I am glad I had the chance to work with, and pleaded sickness and got out of working. I know I know. I'm bad. What can I say?

I was supposed to tackle my chores today, eat healthy and organize my life a little. Instead I have spent all day stretched out on my bean bag with a steadily accumulating pile of junk of food by my side, watching one silly movie on TV after another. Pure bliss!

The last couple of days have been quite an experience. They taught me a little bit about myself and about social dynamics. The film festival was a first for me. It was unfortunate that I couldn't be a part of it from the beginning. As a result all the other people involved with the festival had already developed that camaraderie amongst themselves that comes when people put in a lot of hours working very hard together. It isn't easy being a first timer and a stranger to everyone.

I had always thought of myself as a confident, outgoing, fun person. Being in a situation completely alien to my comfort zone made me realize how untrue that is. Being at ease amongst people you can relate to is very different from being amongst people who have a completely different thought process and lifestyle. I was surprised to find myself tongue tied for a large part of those two days. I was, as one of the guys aptly described me as, a fly on the wall - you wouldn't even know I was there! I just stood back and listened and let myself absorb all of it. I would have names dropped if I could, but the truth is I really didn't meet anyone famous. I saw a couple of known names, maybe even checked them in at some event... but nothing more really. Nothing worth boasting about :)

I guess you could say it wasn't quite as much fun as I had hoped it would. I met some nice interesting people but I doubt I'll see any of them again. But then again you never know! All in all, not too bad!

And so, dear reader, it came to be that I embraced the lazy side of life and spent all day today being true to the couch potato in me! He! He! He! Lazy Sundays are simply the best!

- that work is crazy insane .. Again!!!

- that I have had a sore throat and low grade fever for 2 days now but it's the fact that I can't take off from work and wallow in my misery that's making me feel infinitely worse!

- that last week I had the best weekend ever in the longest time ever!

- that I sometimes just want to yell out to everyone and no one in particular! I want to say - "NO! I shan't! That is your problem and I just don't care!"

- That in spite of being bugged as hell I will still go out of my way and do all I can to keep everyone happy. Not because I'm a saint but because I hate going on guilt trips or being thought of as a heartless bitch. You see, as usual, it's always about me!

- that the guy I wrote about in my last post is soooo yesterday's news!

- that I'm jealous that my friends are healthier, getting slimmer and finding their way to love. I feel old and fat and quite depressed about being old and fat. But much more than that I'm lazy so I wont do anything about either except whine on my blog.

- I have two stories in my head that are just dying to come out but there is huge amounts of laziness stopping them from being written.

- that I'm finishing a year at my job next month and I'm really really really hoping for a raise...

- that nothing really matters to me right now because .... I'm finally going home in two weeks and I'm ecstatic about it! Yaaaaayyyy!!

I met a guy. Just another guy. Nothing special about meeting him. No bells were ringing and the crowds around us did not break into song and dance. All in all, just another guy that I happened to meet at just another occassion.

A day later, he emails. A very bland, matter-of-fact email, with the usual "nice-to-meet-you" kind of lines and a bait hidden deep within to see if I respond favorably.

I know, just looking at the lines on my screen that my acquaintance with this person can move in completely different directions, solely based on how I choose to respond. If I'm polite but aloof, he'll be just another guy I met one time. If I'm light-hearted and pleasant, he might be someone I could be good friends with someday. If I take the bait and give him a little leeway, the emails will take on a whole new meaning.

I think about this guy for a minute. The email is pretty decent and not anything like "I want to make fransip with you" which is why I'm even thinking about this at all. It's well written and grammatically correct, a few punctuation mistakes notwithstanding, so he gets bonus points for that. He was pretty decent to talk to, easy to relate to, easy to get along with, from what I could make out within the 20 minutes that I had talked to him.

Maybe this could be something good. Am I attracted to him? No. Do I get warm and fuzzy thinking about him? Not a chance! Is it still worth a try? I wonder.

The deciding vote? I'm bored and there's this guy who seems like an okay person. What the heck! Why not?!

Let the games begin!

It's been three days of exchanging emails now and we've reached the stage where we're now "friends". He often makes oblique references to the possibility of asking me out on a date, presumably trying to figure out if I will say yes. Once he made an indirect request for my phone number, which I conveniently overlooked. And he continuously gives me lots of information about himself, all the good things, of course. Every email (from both sides) is always well thought out, baits are taken or carefully side-stepped, openings given and the information received is carefully analyzed.

What saddens me is that it's all a game. And considering this is the first time I'm playing this game, I'm surprisingly good at it. If I may say so myself, of course!

I won't deny that this... flirting, for lack of a better word, is a lot of fun! It definitely spices up an otherwise boring day in office. And I don't have any qualms about going along with this little act because this guy is obviously smart enough to play his part quite well, even though at times I wish he could be a little more subtle!

But is this the story I want for me? Have I lost all faith in my chances of finding love by just bumping into Mr. Right, looking into his eyes and just knowing this is it? Do I still believe that such love stories exist outside the realm of the movies?

Or are love stories really just made this way and the details simply glossed over? Is this really it?

I know this particular person may or may not be the "One". I also know if I look at every guy I meet with the intention of classifying them as a potential "Prince Charming" or not I will miss out on a lot of great relationships and experiences. Maybe I am over-analyzing this. May be this is how grown ups are supposed to be like. Maybe this is what it's like when two adults are treading on thin ice, trying to find common ground. I really don't know.

Truth is, it feels like sneaking into the kitchen in the middle of the night and helping myself to extra pudding. I know it's wrong. I know it will give me a stomach ache in the morning. I know if I get caught I'll have hell to pay. But just for the moment, it's just so good!

How much would you take before you lashed back? How much would you listen to before you let it get to you and make you want to give as good as you get? Till when would you play along with a joke and at what point would it lose its humor and become an insult?

How much would you bleed before you fight back? For how long would you grit your teeth and not hit back? What would it take to get you to deliberately hurt someone? Could you be pushed to the limit where you don't stop till long after your opponent has gone down? Could you be merciless, heartless to someone else's pain?

At what point would you agree to have someone killed? Could you kill someone in a moment of passion or in self-defense? What if you absolutely had to chose between your life and the person's in front of you? Or a loved ones life and the person in front of you? Or between your life and a loved ones life? If you had to kill someone, would you be able to look into that person's eye and pull the trigger? Or would you rather do it non-violently and in absentia? Could you deliberately kill someone?

So, what's your threshold for pain?