Monday, March 03, 2008
I live in a fully furnished apartment, done up with colorful cushions and pale wood furniture, an airy, bright place. There are pictures lining the walls and bric-a-brac on bookshelves, mute spectators of a time long gone. Every corner seems to hold a testament of some memorable moment lived joyously. This place I call home.
I live alone. I live by myself. Have you ever noticed how discouraging it is to cook for oneself? A meal eaten alone is hardly ever appetizing. And junk food tastes so much better than a proper meal when eaten in front of the television.
It’s never silent around here. I turn on the television before I turn on the lights when I get home from work. If I’m in the kitchen or the shower, I have the radio turned on at full volume. And if I’m in my room, reading, writing or even sleeping, my laptop is always beside me streaming music from the Internet. And I'm almost always on the phone with someone.
There is usually so much to do around the house; it seems like time and space are always filled up to the brim around here. It’s always busy, so much to do and so little time to do it. Just living is a lot of work, or so it seems.
And then, once in a while, the phone won’t ring, the television, radio and laptop will all be turned off and the lights will all be turned out save a solitary night light in the corner of the living room. Silence, darkness and space.
It’s the space that gets to me really. An 1100 sq. ft. apartment just for me seems like such a waste. A double bed in the bedroom, when I only need one-third of it to sleep. Large empty space. A space I always craved as a child sharing a dormitory with twenty others like myself. Yet a space that feels like a void to me now. I’m not fond of wide empty spaces, they're so alienating and devoid of life.
The silence never lasts. Once the noises inside the house die down, the sounds from outside start to seep in. The baby crying next door, traffic on the road in front, the neighbors cat on the stairs outside. All the sounds that are evidence of life outside are also reminders of the silence within.
The darkness I welcome. It feels like a part of me, as if it were born somewhere deep within me. It envelops me, shielding me from everything around me, embraces me like a long lost love. Within the darkness I feel myself breathe again, alive and true to the basest form of my soul. In the dark there is warmth. In the dark I feel whole.
I know the morning will intrude soon enough and life will take over everything once more. Daylight will fill up this space and highlight the achievements of my consumer driven life. The sounds of life from outside will intermingle with the humdrum of my existence.
But just for these few moments, the darkness is mine.
by nutty at 1:48 AM |
10 Comments:
such a happy posted it started out as....and went so dark....oh well get back to the happy bit...nothing like the radio blaring when u're in the shower or the privacy of beinng on your own
I switch on the music or the tv as soon as I walk into my apartment too! I dislike the silence, because it allows my mind to wander - I prefer to keep my mind occupied with something... so that the darkness does not engulf me!
Penguin actually made that observation about me. That i use music to escape from silence that seems too oppressive. The TV maybe not so much. I stay online ALWAYS. In the hope that it means the gateway to conversations with people outside stay open, even if im not necessarily talking all the time.
Eh also .. i tagged you.
What a well written piece Nutty!!!
I actually get home and crave to have some quite time. :)
hello darkness my old friend I've come to talk with you again....
a very apt post for M/s. S&G.
I dont have cable and my brother took all my discs away so I do this a lot.
nutty, such a lovely house you have! I would love to have so much space to myself...absolutely love it...in bombay, space is a luxury.. yet, i have a decent place
I like the silence at my place and then there's the sea just beyond.. I've consciously not bought a TV..and i try not to be online always..empty conversations take up too much time (not always though) and i actually love it if the phone doesn't ring.. i generally call up everyone that i have to call in close succession, so that i can just not be disturbed
and in the still of the night is from Dirty Dancing?
Try "How to Save a Life" think its Fray. Very nice.
@zee - :) ah! well! when u live alone u always have the privacy of being on your own I guess :D
@still searching - hehehe! that's what I do when I don;t want to think about whatever my mind will wander towards .. most of the time live in my head tho :)
@unpredictable - I'm paranoid about being reachable at all times. I always have my phone with .. always! and I too stay online a lot .. these days tho I'm really trying to keep the laptop away from me when I'm home from work.
@chaitali - thank you! n sweetie with your life n all the exciting things you blog about I can def believe that!
@anshul - right on target! not bad!! that was the song in my head even as I wrote this post ... not bad at all :)
@satyajit - thank you! my house is the one weakness in my armor! I wanted my space so bad I've willingly made it my white elephant! no regrets tho! The silence forces one to be at peace with ones thoughts or run the risk of going mad.. thats why its something I welcome but not all the time :)
@anshul(again)- the OST for Dirty Dancing used to be my favorite at one point in my life .. and the other one is on the Greys Anatomy soundtrack ... they really do pick awsm songs on that show (incl chasing cars) :)
I tagged you!
Guess what, when u start living in with someone, there are days when you'd miss the singledom.
Not sure if it helps, but really really, pls get off the phone and start doing something you really like. I wish I had done that as a swinging single a few years ago, but to fill in the emptiness I used to run up mobile bills of 6K regularly on a salary of 24K per month and party atleast 3 nights a week. I wish I had pursued dancing and singing and attended more plays. I wish....
Wise man once say... its not where you travel that makes you happy. Its who you travel with.
Dont stay alone, life not good. Life good when friends around or life good when you can share.
Sweet and nuts need company. Think of Gold fish in horlicks bottle.. :-)
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