Saturday, November 10, 2007
Complications... Aggravations...
I'm at my wits end. I have no clue what I should do any more. This was not what my life was supposed to be like. I seem to have reached a dead end and I seem to be circling around it over and over again. Don't ask me how one circles around a dead end, just believe me it's possible.
For the first time in my life I was alone on Diwali. The one day of the year when I usually feel the real joy of being Indian and Hindu, no matter where I am, was spent alone, joy-less and depressed. How did I get this way? I do not know.
I need people. I need friends. Real friends, not just people who claim to be my friend. And friends who are physically present. I need family. I need the physical company of someone I can let my hair down and kick back with. I need conversation, not necessarily intelligent conversation but just some conversation. I need a life.
All my adult life I have been surrounded by people who I can hang out with, call at odd hours of the night, get drunk with or just simply walked the street aimlessly with. But ever since graduate school ended I seem to be living in this void where I touch no one and no one touches me*. The few people I used to hang out with have moved away or simply become too involved in their own lives. I'm told this process is called growing up. Considering I'm older than all of them I don't take to that too well.
My new job is awesome but it's a small company and no one really hangs out after work so the obvious avenue of making new friends is kind of not there. I do crazy things like join Hip-Hop classes and sign up for novel writing events. I go out, shopping, dining, to the movies, alone. I talk to complete strangers who probably think I'm a weirdo. Yet at the end of six months I find myself more alone than I had ever imagined I could be.
Here's what you're going to say - you need to put yourself out there. You need to mingle. You need to meet new people. If I hear that one more time I'm going to bite someones head off. Just how exactly do you "put yourself out there"? Other than hanging out like a desperate, pathetic woman at a singles bar (which I refuse to do) I really don't know what "put yourself out there" is supposed to mean.
And NO! I do NOT want to get married! So don't even think it.
This way of life is getting so depressing that it's affecting my work, my emotional stability, my health. And I have no idea how to fix it. This blog post is probably the most honest, desperate and pathetic one I have ever published so far so it's a testimonial to just how alone and desperate I am. So much so that I just don't care if it feels like I'm shouting out to the world at the top of my voice - "Is anyone there?! Does life exist on this planet that I live on?". I don't think I'm even going to proof read this post or edit it at all for fear of losing that voice which wants someone to hear me.
Maybe it's true. I am a loser with no life other than the one I live on the Internet.
*I am a rock - Simon and Garfunkel
For the first time in my life I was alone on Diwali. The one day of the year when I usually feel the real joy of being Indian and Hindu, no matter where I am, was spent alone, joy-less and depressed. How did I get this way? I do not know.
I need people. I need friends. Real friends, not just people who claim to be my friend. And friends who are physically present. I need family. I need the physical company of someone I can let my hair down and kick back with. I need conversation, not necessarily intelligent conversation but just some conversation. I need a life.
All my adult life I have been surrounded by people who I can hang out with, call at odd hours of the night, get drunk with or just simply walked the street aimlessly with. But ever since graduate school ended I seem to be living in this void where I touch no one and no one touches me*. The few people I used to hang out with have moved away or simply become too involved in their own lives. I'm told this process is called growing up. Considering I'm older than all of them I don't take to that too well.
My new job is awesome but it's a small company and no one really hangs out after work so the obvious avenue of making new friends is kind of not there. I do crazy things like join Hip-Hop classes and sign up for novel writing events. I go out, shopping, dining, to the movies, alone. I talk to complete strangers who probably think I'm a weirdo. Yet at the end of six months I find myself more alone than I had ever imagined I could be.
Here's what you're going to say - you need to put yourself out there. You need to mingle. You need to meet new people. If I hear that one more time I'm going to bite someones head off. Just how exactly do you "put yourself out there"? Other than hanging out like a desperate, pathetic woman at a singles bar (which I refuse to do) I really don't know what "put yourself out there" is supposed to mean.
And NO! I do NOT want to get married! So don't even think it.
This way of life is getting so depressing that it's affecting my work, my emotional stability, my health. And I have no idea how to fix it. This blog post is probably the most honest, desperate and pathetic one I have ever published so far so it's a testimonial to just how alone and desperate I am. So much so that I just don't care if it feels like I'm shouting out to the world at the top of my voice - "Is anyone there?! Does life exist on this planet that I live on?". I don't think I'm even going to proof read this post or edit it at all for fear of losing that voice which wants someone to hear me.
Maybe it's true. I am a loser with no life other than the one I live on the Internet.
*I am a rock - Simon and Garfunkel
by nutty at 3:39 PM |
16 Comments:
Dear Nutteshwar
This is alas the downside of the life that so many young people so far away from home lead. I can't really say anything that will make it better except that in all likelihood this is just a phase. In due course you will either surround yourself with more friends or you will get more comfortable in your own company. Either way I life will look up soon. Seriously.
PS: Wow, I didn't know I was capable of being so serious. What have you done to me?
hey, why aren't you writing this month? don't you want to complete your novel before the end of november? considering you've enrolled, the least you can do is make an honest effort. you can resume with your boring life next month onward.
Sometimes, I feel the same way you do! >:D<
Hey Nutty,
I was going thru the same thing as you are now; I was alone; I had no friends, sitting in a foreign land; I did crazy things perhaps to feel good or perhaps to harp about it later; and no I am not going to say the obvious shit which even I heard like ok go out, meet people etc because its far far easier said than done. The people who say this have mostly never been in a situation like us, are all back home surrounded with desis and friends etc etc.
You are just letting it out; maybe hoping for a solution or maybe just to let it out (I wont second guess there and I know you may not want me or perhaps anyone else to as well).
In a way thats why and when (last yr) even I started blogging; to be able to be on an open forum etc; people who know me on your blog site know I am freaked party animal and stuff but still you go thru the phase. What I went thru was times when I used to look back and thnk shit last year this time I was in Bombay doing this or that(it may seem a loser thing but thats what it was, I was going thru a fukked up phase). And to top it all, ALL the desi ppl I would meet here in HK would be married making all sorts of conversations totally YUCK!!!! So when I say I know what you are going thru, I know what it is.
Lekin babes, ek cheez hai; dont let life go ahead of you. I dont know how you will solve it; but the way you do it is what you will learn from life or maybe that will be your life.
I used to find this quote very pseud but its what it is and its so true ... Life is what happens to you, when you are busy making other plans.
Yaar Nutty, zindagi bahut mast cheez hai and you are not a loser; so perk up honey and shower us with some love!
Take care sweets. Mail me.
Anshul.
PS: my favorite song and a stanza of which I still carry in my wallet is The Boxer (S&G). That song has seen me thru REAL tough times.
Chill maar; about feeling fukked, its ok to feel fukked at times; but then before you get ok with that feeling, get out of it and dont get caught. How you do it will define you.
I've been going through phases of this myself in the past 6 months, and as ganju said (and where did that come from?!!), its got a lot to do with being away but also being in America.. where people focus mainly on their own families after a while, and so single people like you and me start to feel alone... I'm comfortable with my own company most of the times, but I know exactly what u're going through coz I feel the same way many times... not sure what the "cure" is though!
Love the song...
And we'll catch up in Delhi if not in the US and pour our hearts out at TC maybe! :))) Looking forward to that! lol!
Hey nutty!!
you have so many people who can empathise with you!!!!!
arre its just a phase and you get used to it.... and look back things could have been other way round!!!!you could have got what you are missing but not what you have got... and its the choice we all made ourselves....
i know staying alone and when you are single is very different...other people are very busy intheir own life and its not right to expect too much from them...
I still hate the feeling of loneliness when it creeps in... but then i know its my choice and i am going to learn to live with it...
i dabbling with studies at this age is just a way to keep myself busy...... and i was supposed to write on my post.. but now i can write in urs.. two weeks i got two gold fish and named them "alpa and beta" :)
arre just chill in sometime you willget used to it.. if this is what you choose...
Nothing intelligent to say, but...let me try to answer that 'how?' question.
Reaching out to people doesn't necessarily mean hanging out pathetically at a singles bar. Temporary fits of extroversion also help when you're in a library, or a book club, or a common interest group (Yeah, they exist, and some of them do have people genuinely interested in making friends with people who share at least one interest).
It's not just all theory. Having done it many times, I found that most people need people, but are afraid to reach out, or just don't know how. You do it, and you'll be rewarded with new friends...most of the times. As the other commenter said, you have too many people to empathize with you on this topic.
Immersing yourself in a novel-writing challenge may work for a month (I'm doing it too), but a one-up task to take up is to meet people who share this challenge. The novel-writing month will get over soon, but some new friends will remain. I see posts in the nanowrimo India forum about people organizing meetups. India or your location - go out and talk to people this way. You'll be surprised how many 'nice' people you discover who are physically near you. You get the idea.
It's not easy to get platonic long-term friends, so your mileage may vary. :) Just don't get attached to new friends.
first of all, here's BIGGGG HUGGG for ya..
Secondly, I think it doesn't matter even if you have friends around.. sometimes you need different set of people.. but then sometimes you just need people be it any set.. talking to strangers does have it advantages even though there might be someone thinking you are a weirdo but then again you might have just made somebody's day..
lonely or not.. we all survive these feelings..
so just kick back and relax with a nice book...
thanks guys! you have no idea how much your support means to me :)
@ganju - I can't believe you got so serious! wow! My apologies!
@sayajit - i know! I gave up on it coz I was lagging behind by a week and then I'm traveling home in another week .. excuses excuses .. what can i say .. :( I should re-start..
@monsooner - sigh! thanks for the hug though!
@anshul - :) you know i really look fwd to meeting you some day :D khoob jamegi jab mil baethenge 3 yaar ... aap main aur bagpiper gold club soda!! hehehe!!!
@still searchin - see you soon! home!! yaay!!
@cool - your advice as usual is the philosophical one :) I hope I never get used to it tho! rather I hope find a way out soon enough...
@NNG - you're right .. it's the premature attachments and the expectations that follow which hurt a lot more. Wiser now .. you live you learn I guess ..
@another dreamer - muuuaaaah! can't wait till i see you!
If there's an award for honest bloggers...I would give it you.
Can't say I understand what you are going through cause I am here in India...
Hang in there...its a phase like Anchit says...
when are you in India?
mail me at anshultrivedi@gmail.com
I am here till the 25th; let us to meet.
hey my advice is just not philosphical...its wht i am actually following in my life... and with my own choice.. hard but then my choice.. so am cool....
Maybe I'm anti social, but I actually enjoy solitude!
So many ppl are advising you, and they are ALL probably smarter than me, so I'm not going to even try....
As you can see, confidence is one of my strengths!
Cheer up, for this too shall pass...
@chaitali - err.. thanks? I guess :)
@anshul - india trip canceled as you know... maybe next time .. sigh!
@cool - hmmm... but I don't want to chose to be this way. I'm not going to "get used to it" nor am I going to be happy thinking of all I got in compensation .. I don't want to compromise .. I think I deserve everything life has to offer and I"m going to figure out how to get there ... that's my choice! The studying part is a good idea actually though may be a little too soon for me since I graduated less than 6 months ago :P
Temporary bursts of strength and confidence generally follow the lows :D this too shall pass I guess... sigh!
@bulshee - vao! you amaze me! :) But actually I do know people who like to be by themselves .. so if you're happy me happy for you .. guess I'm just not one of those people though ... alas!
No longer packing for India?
Pity for nanowrimos there. :P
i read this post 3 times.. yet didnt comment.. this is jst to let u know that i read it...
:(
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