Friday, September 07, 2007
Caution - The blues ahead...
Since I’m known to be high-strung, people often recommend meditation to soothe my nerves. The problem is that I fall asleep every time I try to meditate. Isn’t that’s the most peaceful one can be – when sleeping peacefully? Similarly, I feel like I’m sleepwalking through life, living a dream that should end any moment now. I keep waiting for the alarm to ring and grim reality to set in. I’m not used to having nothing to fret about and the peace and good mood of the last few days is disconcerting. No disasters. No ugliness. No drama.
My long weekend was almost perfect. I re-connected with friends I had almost completely disconnected from. We went drinking, gambling (not really), boating and picnicking. We laughed constantly. We pulled each other’s legs and cracked old jokes; the pressure of the excessive emotional baggage we all seemed to have been feeling the weight of lately was completely lifted. It felt good to be carefree again.
So what I do when faced with an unusual situation such as this? Of course! I brood over it and then I write about it!
I have always had this nagging fear that my existence has no real meaning. I know that’s an age old profundity and the most common aspect of existential angst. I truly believe that we really don’t affect anyone other than our immediate family. In the bigger picture we’re completely inconsequential. It is this single truth which makes me most lonely. On further reflection, I realize that it’s a popular fascination, amongst most people I know, to believe they are alone, almost as if it is “cool” to consider yourself alone in a crowd. Even popular songs like Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day reflect these sentiments.
I think most of us like to feel we’re too complicated to be understood, hence alone in our troubles. We like to believe we are coping with issues no one else can appreciate. Having a problem that someone else can relate to, I guess makes one ordinary. And no one wants to accept that as much as they’re hurting right now they’re not the only one going through something like that. It’s almost as if a commonly felt heartache isn’t painful enough.
But how many of us do actually live a life which is anything but ordinary? By definition, very few (that’s why it’s ordinary, by virtue of its similarity amongst the majority)! And why is it that even when everything is going alright, I still look for something to brood over? Yes, I switch to my issues here rather than prevalent social trends. Are there others like me out there who cannot believe happiness is possible? If yes, why are we so happy to be sad, but sad to be happy? Do we inherently like being miserable? Why is it that, almost always, something tragic affects us deeper and stays with us longer as compared to something that makes us laugh? Does negativity have a stronger impact on the human psyche in general?
With such strong inclinations towards being unhappy, I often wonder what people live for. Most people have a list of achievements that they want to accomplish before they die. Some live for the people around them. Very few just live for the love of life. I worry about what happens when you have finished with everything in that To-Do list and the people you live for are gone. Where do you find that elusive love for living just for the sake of living? And when all is going right, what do you do next?
by nutty at 5:38 PM |
14 Comments:
I wonder about this too... there are stretches of periods when I'm very content with life in general, just loving "being" and not achieving anything remarkable, except contentment (which is quite elusive!)... then I become afraid... will this state last? I am one of those who does think that my experiences in life have made me "different", then again I read or get to know abut someone whose going or gone through the same ordeals.. I will confide that it disappoints me! Maybe its because the reason no longer allows me to justify myself or who I am? Obviously this chain of thought never reaches any conclusion, and invariably I find myself drifting into moods and thoughts I generally try to avoid - like moping or brooding?!
I'm rambling... I've got no point to make... but then, isnt that what "brooding" is all about?! Hehehe...
P.S I do find it strange though, that sometimes you and I seem quite similar.. makes us ordinary?!
You make a new list.
I think everyone our age is going thru this phase of whats next and/or is this really worth it because in a way we are letting it happen to ourselves... as in we get worked up on deadlines; we NEED to show we work hard and we NEED to earn money to have the extra drink/party/clothes extra but how many of us really do all of the above to just be us? I think thats what I would be hitting at.
I sit next to a Brit who goes our every Qtr to a new place - country, city, region anything and htats his calling. Another friend has picked up painting, and so many egs.
I brood a lot like you and every weekend I decide ok not getting too drunk to waste my weekend away and of the last 3 weekends I have been doing just that and it helps; so I guess we just need ot start doing something different which gtes out of this rut which we unnecessarily sink into you know and make a new list when you get tired of what you have done.
Easier said than done but well lets see.
Cheers babes! Life aint that bad; you just need to say, "hi, whassup yo and do the hip-hop on it!"
Catch you around.
Anshul
Male
Doctor of Beer.
Gurl; you listen to Greenday as well!
NICE
then you know what my blog is named after ie the url.
Cheers!
"We look before and after
And pine for what is not
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is frought
Our sweetest songs are those
That tell us of saddest thought"
Just remembered these lines by shelly while reading your post.
Great post.
when you say "In the bigger picture we’re completely inconsequential," aren't you measuring other people's lives, people who you don't know? whats yr basis?
also what you say depends on the degree of abstraction and cannot be affirmed in any reasonable degree..doesn't that dilute the importance of the answers to yr questions?
when you say yr existence has no real meaning, you imply no real meaning to whom? If you imply to everyone else in this world, then of course no one's existence has that kind of meaning. then why is this question important? isn't the answer obvious in itself?
and if you suggest yr life has no meaning for you, then why is it so since everyone choose to live the life they choose to live?
i've known of people who have thrown away everything good that has come across in their life on the pretext of them being someone who's best left alone....of course in life you have moments when you NEED to be alone...to stand alone in a crowd...becoz that's what makes you- YOU.
but you're right....negativity is a more powerful feeling......even if it's a simple thing like always being negative about work....but we all have it don't we?
I feel like you have gotten into my head and written this. Even when I am feeling happy, a strain of melancholy creeps in when I remember that it isn't going to last.
I have realized that a few things make life more livable -
a) Doing something that affects another person's life. And not by giving money, but by spending energy and time - like teaching, visiting an old age home etc. Try it, it certainly helps.
b) Regular breaks: Getting out of the city. And I spend time researching whereever I am headed too. When I learn something, I feel better.
c) Being committed: It is the easiest thing for me to run away when a relationship, a job, a friend becomes too familiar. I am learning to stick on. To make my relationship meaningful by doing new things with my partner.
d)Brood only on sundays and during PMS. Other times if I start brooding, I start exercising or cooking. Two activities that do NOT allow me to brood.
Amazing that you seem to literally put in words thoughts that I had never talked about even to myself, with such clarity.
After reading the post and the comments, I became happier. I realized that I was not the only one who brooded over the "why am i here, what the F* am i doing with myself' question...well, with no amount of bullsh*t can i answer that satisfactorily....
but what i would like to know is- we, bloggers, people with internet access, 3 meals a day, foreign trips and cars have time to actually think about this stuff.and maybe the inclination to too. how about the people who just worry about where they're going to get their next bite to eat from?do they sit down and think 'why am i here'....if they do, i say they have more reason to be grumpy and dissatisfied than we do!
First off - I have to say I'm a little overwhelmed! I knew this was something that would generate a lot of comments but I never imagined I'd find everyone agreeing and feeling the same way! It is weird but I feel so much better knowing I'm not weird ;D
@still searching - since I have been made acutely aware of this tendency of wanting to feel different (I have seen it in a lot of my frenz) I try most of the time to remind myself that I'm not going through anything unique... so for the most part I'm ok. Just the responses to this post prove that we're all quite similar :) of course it does seem like you n me react similarly a lot of times! :)
@anshul - you're abs right! That's what I'm in the middle of doing these days - makin a new list startin with the hip-hop ;) as for the drinkin (you're going to break your heart over this) I actually stopped drinkin completely about 4 months ago :D think I slipped one Saturday nite since but for the most part I'm off alcohol :D not bad eh?
@vinod - thats a lovely verse! thank you!
@satyajit - I really wasn't aiming at the whole world, I'm not that arrogant to believe I could have an influence on an audience that large. When I say each of us is inconsequential I mean within our own small world of people we know. I also said we mean something to our immediate family but to no one else beyond that. As for the meaning of my life to me - you're right. I live a life of my choosing and I'm responsible for its having any meaning at all. But when one realizes that it doesn't really have much meaning even to the self what does one do?
@zee - sad but true. of course that means that my whiny mournful posts stay in the memory of our common readers longer than your hilarious amusing posts that make us all a lot happier ... hehehe! just kiddin ;)
@cuckoo - wow! thank you! I just put into words all the crap that was doing the rounds in my head :)
But you're right - from now on I shall only brood on Monday mornings (weekends are too much fun ;D) and PMS days! thats a plan! lol! I'm not sure about the exercising but I think cooking is a good idea :)
@bullshee - seriously dude! makes me feel a lot less psychotic! I thought I was getting to be manic depressive or something! phew! but yes, things aren't always as bad as we think they are and they could always be worse .. it's good to keep reminding oneself that!
Nahiiiiiin kah do kio yeh jhoot hai!!
waise in last 3 weeks I have just had 1 bottle of red and 4 draughts of beer and 5 smokes
so main bhi shayad sudhar raha hoon
Aila; I think I need to get drunk tomorrow.
Wow what a deep, philosophical post. You have put down thoughts that often come to my head, several emoitons that run through me...I have to agree that sometimes I get solace out of thinking that I am special because I deal with difficult situations and my life is not really that simple...
It would be so cool if we could actually stop thinking/brooding and live days on end, in a state calm...guess because that's not really possible that we long for it.
@anshul - kya baat hai!! y sudhro'ing? shaadi ki baat chal rahi hai kya?? ;)
@chaitali - thank you! yes you're right any one thing all the time definitely not a good thing either .. variety is the spice of life? ;)
nahin yaar; last thing you want to do is have a spar with your trainer with a hangover; something tells me not a good idea..
Then you find a new list.
There's always something to be done, for someone or for yourself..
There are always places to go..
I'm restless by nature so if nothing is there to look fwd, put on an old DVD or re-read that old mushy novel.. Life seems better :P
Btw.. HB
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