Just a thought...If you're going to do anything in life make sure you see it through to the end. Don't quit midway. So if you're going to fail you might as well go all the way and fail miserably! At least that way you have the distinction of being the most miserable failure ever!
Its just a thought of course...
Change is the only constant...
I started this post titled "How the mighty fall" but I decided it needed to be more positive so I renamed it and started again. I have been accused lately of being too negative. Apparently I'm so pessimistic I depress people and make them doubt their confidence and optimism. This post is, hence, in my defense.
No one is born feeling all powerful. I don't think I'd even like to be "the best". No margin for error. The 4.0 GPA, the 1$20K job, the big names and the million dollar dreams. Perfection. I'm not even sure if anyone has the right to consider themselves infallible. Yet, there must be some confidence, a feeling that you know what you know and somethings you just can't be wrong about. Something you can do better than anyone else in the room; even if that something is as trivial as flipping an omelet with one hand and no spoon.
Where do you draw the line then? Its obvious that at some level its a relative ranking. If you're better than your siblings and cousins you're the smart kid in the family. If your grades are higher than everyone in class you're the smartest kid in class. But does that make you really smart?
I'm older than my friends here. I have more "experience". I know more simply because I have lived longer. I'm so used to doing stuff they are still learning about that it makes my life a little easier than theirs. So by default it is assumed that I'm the smarter of the lot. And that's something that cracks me up. You see I have never thought of myself as the smart kid. I've never been a front runner in anything ever. My mother says I lack a killer instinct (but that's a whole new post on its own so lets not digress). So when my friends start looking at me as if I really have life's mysteries worked out... well I'll be honest - its intoxicating. So I play to the gallery, put in some more flourish to my act and eventually start believing I am the better person. You see I know more [self satisfied smug face]!
And then the cocoon tears open and its time to face the world again. Its time to go out and get a public certification on just how good I am. You see since I have been the "dude" for a year, its simply taken for granted that the millions will follow. After all who can say I am not good enough?! Of course those who put you up on the pedestal don't stop to think what will happen when your world comes crashing down around you and you're back on good 'ol Mother Earth.
Its then that the truth comes forth. I was always just ordinary and its nothing new. But my confidence was built on false foundations and when those were shaken I couldn't stand it. Should I blamed for being unnerved? Should it be expected of me to withstand the fall and still revel in my ignorance of just how great I am? And why should my fall affect anyones confidence anway?In truth, people want you to believe in this false brilliance, because when you fail your own expectations and they do better that you (in terms defined by mankind at large), they can feel a sense of accomplishment and pride. Its not malice. Its the repetition of history. They set themselves up to be the next to fall. Just like I did.
And then its not just about putting myself up on a pedestal. I do it my friends too. The friend I always call when I'm in trouble. He of course in my eyes can do know wrong. I get drunk he takes care. I worry, he soothes. I don't know what to do, he helps me figure things out. And then one day, he worries and I realize I must soothe him and I don't know how! I never thought he had to worry about anything. He is always doing everything right. He gets drunk and I have to take care. He is confused ... but do I now help him out? No! I'm scared out of my wits because I don't have a clue!
And so it goes on. The only thing that changes is the names. I will, in due course of time, go back to being ordinary. And I will realize no on is infallible. Or perfect. Not even my dearest friends. And I will be OK with it.
So what's next??
I'm a person who likes plans. I don't like changes and I don't like surprises. I definitely don't like not knowing what's next! I need to know what's next. Even if I'm not doing anything next I need to know that so that I can be prepared to vegetate! I do not like "playing it by the ear" or "going with the flow"... unless I plan to do so in which case I actually think up all my options in advance and decide what I will feel like doing when I'm "playing it by the ear" :-)
So when I reach a place in my life where I have 3 months more of planned activity and the rest of my life in a haze its not surprising that I panic. I don't know what is going to happen after I graduate in May. I don't know where I'm going to get a job or even if I'm going to get a job. I don't know how long my funds will last to stay here without a job. I don't even know what I'm going to do if I don't get a job.
All I think about is what if? What if it really does come to worst case scenario? What if I really don't have a clue? What if none of it works out? Besides being a complete waste of (lots of) money and time and effort, what will I do? I mean for the rest of my life... what will I do?
Maybe this will have to be one of those posts that just don't have a clean wrap up end. Till I get to May 2007 I guess I will just have to fret!
No Single-hood allowed!
I finally started studying this semester and the 1st lecture in my algorithms class was on Matching algorithms. So here's the 1st problem that we discussed in class for which an algorithmic solution is required -
There are
n men and
n women each of who has a clear ranking of who they wish to be paired with. We need to match the men and women such that there are no singles remaining and there is no polygamy. Also it should be such that no man prefers another woman who also prefers him over her current partner. In mathematical terms, the pairing should be perfect and stable.
We start with each man "proposing" to the woman on the top of his list. The woman at this point is not quite sure if she wants to marry this man but since she is also not sure which other men have her on the top of their preference list she may run the risk of "being too choosy and ending up alone" or "compromising and getting engaged".
The solution as taught to us in class? The optimal solution suggested that the women compromise and get engaged but they would be free to break this engagement and get engaged to another man who proposes and is higher on her list. The solution went on to prove that though it seems like the men are getting a rough deal with the women dumping them for any man she prefers, they are actually more likely to get a better deal than the women. If the women had done the proposing they would have been better off.
Ah! now you see what got me started on this blog!
I know a lot of my friends are getting married nowadays. And a lot of times I wonder if its to the man on the top of their list or just the best man who proposed. And if in reality that is the recommended solution. I mean - say yes to the first guy who asks coz you never know if you can do better. And it scares me. I grew up believing in the fairy tale, the perfect guy with eyes only for me and of course we lived happily ever after! But I'm older now, and I've seen that the perfect guy was not quite so perfect and we didn't live happily ever after. I've also been "proposed to" and by some amazing guys but I didn't say yes because I still wanted to believe in the fairy tale and they were not my "perfect guy", my top of the preference list.
Its also a little pathetic that an Algorithms Design class can make start thinking about this! Of course, the solution in class claims that everyone is happy because they get the best match possible. But we all know reality is a little different. I'm not quite sure why but over the last few months it has been worrying me that my fairy tale has still not come true. Yet I'm not at all convinced that ranking the possibilities and settling for the best match possible is the way to go either.
I guess life's solutions aren't as perfect or stable as the solutions for algorithmic problems. And maybe I need to re-iterate to myself the conclusion I reached in my last write-up.
"I know I need something, someone, somewhere. But I also know I’m not going to find it any time soon so I have to be patient and wait. And make the best of today. I know I will be OK."
PS: I also need a new roommate! My current one keeps pushing me to write and hence I end up with pointless posts like this one on my blog :P
