Sunday, November 05, 2006
The beast within...
I'm not a nice person. I don't have too many friends and I was certainly never the popular one. I grew up always being told "Why can't you be more pleasant? Look at your older brother, he gets along with everyone... Why cant you just get along with people?!" Over the years society, family and I, myself, have made me the person I am today. Seemingly pleasant, charming when I need to be, polite, good-natured, friendly. If you didn't know me all that well you'd maybe even say I was a nice girl.
But every once in a while, the true me rears its ugly head and a volcano of venom erupts. All the ugliness comes pouring out and burns down my facade. The truth laid bare for all to see. Its not that great a moment for me either though it is decidedly worse for those around me. I am at my most vulnerable, my weaknesses exposed, giving me no control over my emotions, losing all rational thought. Its not something I enjoy... it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth for days to come.
The aftermath brings doubt and self-pity. Who am I? Why am I this way? Is it really wrong to be short tempered and rude (to the point of being nasty) and irritable? I guess its OK if you don't mind not having any friends. If you're comfortable in your own shell oblivious to the wreckage your bitterness leaves around. Of course its not fair to expect anyone in the world to understand you. And then again I barely understand myself! I have had a picture perfect life; no abusive or broken family, no cash troubles or hard times, no major traumatic experience. And yet I keeping pushing away this rising feeling of bitterness against the world in general. It makes no sense.
So I sit and write hoping the words will flow and show me some rationale. But the words just intensify the void within where a beast sleeps, sated for now... And while I wait for the last outbursts effects to fade I know in time the beast within me will wake again.
I'm not a nice person. I don't have too many friends and I was certainly never the popular one. I grew up always being told "Why can't you be more pleasant? Look at your older brother, he gets along with everyone... Why cant you just get along with people?!" Over the years society, family and I, myself, have made me the person I am today. Seemingly pleasant, charming when I need to be, polite, good-natured, friendly. If you didn't know me all that well you'd maybe even say I was a nice girl.
But every once in a while, the true me rears its ugly head and a volcano of venom erupts. All the ugliness comes pouring out and burns down my facade. The truth laid bare for all to see. Its not that great a moment for me either though it is decidedly worse for those around me. I am at my most vulnerable, my weaknesses exposed, giving me no control over my emotions, losing all rational thought. Its not something I enjoy... it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth for days to come.
The aftermath brings doubt and self-pity. Who am I? Why am I this way? Is it really wrong to be short tempered and rude (to the point of being nasty) and irritable? I guess its OK if you don't mind not having any friends. If you're comfortable in your own shell oblivious to the wreckage your bitterness leaves around. Of course its not fair to expect anyone in the world to understand you. And then again I barely understand myself! I have had a picture perfect life; no abusive or broken family, no cash troubles or hard times, no major traumatic experience. And yet I keeping pushing away this rising feeling of bitterness against the world in general. It makes no sense.
So I sit and write hoping the words will flow and show me some rationale. But the words just intensify the void within where a beast sleeps, sated for now... And while I wait for the last outbursts effects to fade I know in time the beast within me will wake again.
by nutty at 9:51 PM |
4 Comments:
better be out with it than keep the venom inside you... its easier to deal with it... those who want to and can will understand.
its tough to be honest... tougher to be so brutally truthful to one's emotions...the aftermath is painful but once the haze settles...you get a direction... hope you got yours...
plus trust its better to show emotions than hide them somewhere... they will anyway catch up with you someday...i wish it was as easy to practice as it is to preach this.
There are always sides to our personality which we have no freaking clue about. And even we surprise ourselves! There are times when I do something and then say "Huh! That was me? That's what I am? Am I that nasty?"
But like your name suggests "half sweet, half nuts" :) Everyone is mad! So don't try to understand yourself...you never will....and everyone is struggling with the same thing
Reminds me of the sunscreen song for some reason.....
I totally relate to this post! But its a bit more of a contradiction for me.. I can be termed a nice girl by people who know me, but not by those who dont! Or atleast I think so! There was once that someone called me rude, arrogant and proud, when at that time I was going through such a bad patch in life, I had the lowest self-esteem ever! So external facades and our internal selves sometimes have no relation at all! And talk about losing tempers! I just started working in a new team and my colleague said, wow, u're so easy to work with.. and then something went wrong and I gave a piece of my mind to my team as he watched on.. and then he said "man! can you get angry!".. so... its always circumstantial I guess!
As always once again - you guys make it all sound so normal! It's good to know I'm not the only one going crazy and its ok to not be a erfect person!
Thanks guys!
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