It couldn't get worse...There is a saying that almost everything that we like is either immoral, illegal or unhealthy...
What is it that makes us want that which we know isn't good for us? Too much wine, too many fatty foods, or too many late night conversations with the ex that just isn't right for you... the bad is always more appealing than the good.
Why is it that life just doesn't cut us some slack? Why couldn't it just be easier for us to do the right thing? It always seems like a much better idea to pick the easier way out... why couldn't the easy way be the way to go?!
Eternal questions... I know... still.. they come up now and again... I just wonder if there is any answer...
The beast within...
I'm not a nice person. I don't have too many friends and I was certainly never the popular one. I grew up always being told "Why can't you be more pleasant? Look at your older brother, he gets along with everyone... Why cant you just get along with people?!" Over the years society, family and I, myself, have made me the person I am today. Seemingly pleasant, charming when I need to be, polite, good-natured, friendly. If you didn't know me all that well you'd maybe even say I was a nice girl.
But every once in a while, the true me rears its ugly head and a volcano of venom erupts. All the ugliness comes pouring out and burns down my facade. The truth laid bare for all to see. Its not that great a moment for me either though it is decidedly worse for those around me. I am at my most vulnerable, my weaknesses exposed, giving me no control over my emotions, losing all rational thought. Its not something I enjoy... it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth for days to come.
The aftermath brings doubt and self-pity. Who am I? Why am I this way? Is it really wrong to be short tempered and rude (to the point of being nasty) and irritable? I guess its OK if you don't mind not having any friends. If you're comfortable in your own shell oblivious to the wreckage your bitterness leaves around. Of course its not fair to expect anyone in the world to understand you. And then again I barely understand myself! I have had a picture perfect life; no abusive or broken family, no cash troubles or hard times, no major traumatic experience. And yet I keeping pushing away this rising feeling of bitterness against the world in general. It makes no sense.
So I sit and write hoping the words will flow and show me some rationale. But the words just intensify the void within where a beast sleeps, sated for now... And while I wait for the last outbursts effects to fade I know in time the beast within me will wake again.
