Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Change is the only constant...
I started this post titled "How the mighty fall" but I decided it needed to be more positive so I renamed it and started again. I have been accused lately of being too negative. Apparently I'm so pessimistic I depress people and make them doubt their confidence and optimism. This post is, hence, in my defense.
I started this post titled "How the mighty fall" but I decided it needed to be more positive so I renamed it and started again. I have been accused lately of being too negative. Apparently I'm so pessimistic I depress people and make them doubt their confidence and optimism. This post is, hence, in my defense.
No one is born feeling all powerful. I don't think I'd even like to be "the best". No margin for error. The 4.0 GPA, the 1$20K job, the big names and the million dollar dreams. Perfection. I'm not even sure if anyone has the right to consider themselves infallible. Yet, there must be some confidence, a feeling that you know what you know and somethings you just can't be wrong about. Something you can do better than anyone else in the room; even if that something is as trivial as flipping an omelet with one hand and no spoon.
Where do you draw the line then? Its obvious that at some level its a relative ranking. If you're better than your siblings and cousins you're the smart kid in the family. If your grades are higher than everyone in class you're the smartest kid in class. But does that make you really smart?
I'm older than my friends here. I have more "experience". I know more simply because I have lived longer. I'm so used to doing stuff they are still learning about that it makes my life a little easier than theirs. So by default it is assumed that I'm the smarter of the lot. And that's something that cracks me up. You see I have never thought of myself as the smart kid. I've never been a front runner in anything ever. My mother says I lack a killer instinct (but that's a whole new post on its own so lets not digress). So when my friends start looking at me as if I really have life's mysteries worked out... well I'll be honest - its intoxicating. So I play to the gallery, put in some more flourish to my act and eventually start believing I am the better person. You see I know more [self satisfied smug face]!
And then the cocoon tears open and its time to face the world again. Its time to go out and get a public certification on just how good I am. You see since I have been the "dude" for a year, its simply taken for granted that the millions will follow. After all who can say I am not good enough?! Of course those who put you up on the pedestal don't stop to think what will happen when your world comes crashing down around you and you're back on good 'ol Mother Earth.
Its then that the truth comes forth. I was always just ordinary and its nothing new. But my confidence was built on false foundations and when those were shaken I couldn't stand it. Should I blamed for being unnerved? Should it be expected of me to withstand the fall and still revel in my ignorance of just how great I am? And why should my fall affect anyones confidence anway?In truth, people want you to believe in this false brilliance, because when you fail your own expectations and they do better that you (in terms defined by mankind at large), they can feel a sense of accomplishment and pride. Its not malice. Its the repetition of history. They set themselves up to be the next to fall. Just like I did.
And then its not just about putting myself up on a pedestal. I do it my friends too. The friend I always call when I'm in trouble. He of course in my eyes can do know wrong. I get drunk he takes care. I worry, he soothes. I don't know what to do, he helps me figure things out. And then one day, he worries and I realize I must soothe him and I don't know how! I never thought he had to worry about anything. He is always doing everything right. He gets drunk and I have to take care. He is confused ... but do I now help him out? No! I'm scared out of my wits because I don't have a clue!
And so it goes on. The only thing that changes is the names. I will, in due course of time, go back to being ordinary. And I will realize no on is infallible. Or perfect. Not even my dearest friends. And I will be OK with it.
Where do you draw the line then? Its obvious that at some level its a relative ranking. If you're better than your siblings and cousins you're the smart kid in the family. If your grades are higher than everyone in class you're the smartest kid in class. But does that make you really smart?
I'm older than my friends here. I have more "experience". I know more simply because I have lived longer. I'm so used to doing stuff they are still learning about that it makes my life a little easier than theirs. So by default it is assumed that I'm the smarter of the lot. And that's something that cracks me up. You see I have never thought of myself as the smart kid. I've never been a front runner in anything ever. My mother says I lack a killer instinct (but that's a whole new post on its own so lets not digress). So when my friends start looking at me as if I really have life's mysteries worked out... well I'll be honest - its intoxicating. So I play to the gallery, put in some more flourish to my act and eventually start believing I am the better person. You see I know more [self satisfied smug face]!
And then the cocoon tears open and its time to face the world again. Its time to go out and get a public certification on just how good I am. You see since I have been the "dude" for a year, its simply taken for granted that the millions will follow. After all who can say I am not good enough?! Of course those who put you up on the pedestal don't stop to think what will happen when your world comes crashing down around you and you're back on good 'ol Mother Earth.
Its then that the truth comes forth. I was always just ordinary and its nothing new. But my confidence was built on false foundations and when those were shaken I couldn't stand it. Should I blamed for being unnerved? Should it be expected of me to withstand the fall and still revel in my ignorance of just how great I am? And why should my fall affect anyones confidence anway?In truth, people want you to believe in this false brilliance, because when you fail your own expectations and they do better that you (in terms defined by mankind at large), they can feel a sense of accomplishment and pride. Its not malice. Its the repetition of history. They set themselves up to be the next to fall. Just like I did.
And then its not just about putting myself up on a pedestal. I do it my friends too. The friend I always call when I'm in trouble. He of course in my eyes can do know wrong. I get drunk he takes care. I worry, he soothes. I don't know what to do, he helps me figure things out. And then one day, he worries and I realize I must soothe him and I don't know how! I never thought he had to worry about anything. He is always doing everything right. He gets drunk and I have to take care. He is confused ... but do I now help him out? No! I'm scared out of my wits because I don't have a clue!
And so it goes on. The only thing that changes is the names. I will, in due course of time, go back to being ordinary. And I will realize no on is infallible. Or perfect. Not even my dearest friends. And I will be OK with it.
by nutty at 1:30 AM |
3 Comments:
U know, sometimes I had the same feeling! Like I have some friends who are there for me all the time and always give me valuable advice which I use.. but when its my turn, I am at a total loss! Hmmm.. wonder why..
i agree with ruchi man..... i keep thinking it means i'm cold....
I guess its the princess syndrome ;) I'm so used to being pampered by my friends its almost like I'm out of practice at being the sensible one!
Glad to know I'm not alone ... but then we do seem to make a lot of similar friends ;)
Post a Comment
<< Home